@papayaguayaba1999 •
5 Questions:
1. Have you ever read about how monarch butterflies migrate south to Mexico from North America? When they sense the change in the air and temperatures, the butterflies know it’s time to go. They travel in groups and cluster on trees to stay warm and rest for another day of migration; every journey to and from north and south is the beginning of a new generation of Monarchs.
I think human migration is similar. Immigrants travel together and provide warmth for each other through the journey.
My story is the same. My maternal grandma immigrated from Durango, Mexico to Azusa, California. She grew up telling me this is what your grandpa wanted. Ahi trabajo y un futuro para tus tias y mama aqui en los Estados. She followed him and his family and in return, built a safe life for herself and my tias and tios, and of course my mom. In the late 90s, they moved across the country down south; Marietta, Georgia. This is my home, and my sisters, and my cousins. We grew up playing safely in the humid air at my grandma’s home. We went to school and did theater and made silly art. As adults we have the option to continue studying and learning new skills and change the course of our life over and over again; porque my grandma left her home, her career, her mom for us. I don’t think she realized what she was doing or who she was doing it for, but I created these photos in honor of her movement.
2. Georgia will always be my home; where my family is, my favorite restaurants, and childhood friends are. I love it, and all my life I couldn’t wait to leave it. Ironic, no? Being the eldest daughter, niece, nieta, etc comes with a lot and I can say this in a room full of first gens and get a “oh you don’t have to tell me girl.” So I won’t, but I will say there is a lot we don’t let ourselves remember, feel, or accept. Sure, we took care of the little ones, cleaned, got groceries, translated, wrote our school notes and theirs, etc, Etc.
We are also the ones to understand what being Mexican in America means. It means keeping quiet about my moms “illegality.” It means keeping an eye out for cops and agents every time she drives, which is every day because how does a mom get her kids around? It means knowing we are financially not ok, so we count the coins and tell your sisters everything will be ok. Personally, it meant staying quiet when you saw what was going on at home and understood it wasn’t right and also understood you had to stay quiet. I grew up a very, very silently angry and scornful kid.
I had to leave my family to connect and love and acknowledge their experiences and mine. Because it is all connected and true. I constantly replace the hate and anger I bottled up for years and replace it with compassion and empathy. I discover new communities and environments that either remind me of home and family both here and there, and add it to my book of life. These photos are a testament to the places and people I have meant, because of my grandma.
3. I am currently healing, or trying to?, or simply figuring out how to find peace in the home and people who raised me. Like I mentioned before in question 2, life is not always a sunny day. There was a lot of gloom and rain in the past.
Kids need adults. Our paternal and maternal figures. The caretakers. The ones to kiss our pains and pray our monsters away. I understood it was not easy being a young, single immigrant parent of three little girls. I had to find the best in my parents, and forgive them constantly for any emotional and verbal abuse, physical harm or total mental Abandonment.
I love my family more than anything, it’s why I decided to step away from my Georgia home and take my time getting to know the home they left in Mexico. They both have a lot of ghosts from the past, especially Mexico, given that it is the death place of my father. Ever been mad at a dead person for completely abandoning you? I am allowed to be made and sad and love and connect with my places and father, even if tradition says otherwise.
These photos remind me life isn’t forever, so admire the moment and take the shot.
4. I believe I feel a pull everyday.
My mom calls me a free spirit. I have never wanted a “normal” or traditional life. Not marriage, no kids, no steady, high-paying boring job. I want freedom and experiences and a constant reminder that I am alive. I need to keep moving to feel.
My grandma once said she just wants me to have people in my life who will take care of me when I need it. Financially and emotional support. What she meant was un marido y hijos. I always remind her my grandpa lives in Mexico by choice, and he is the one who told her to move here. And she taught me to be self-reliant and fearless even in the unknown.
Sometimes I do feel like I disappoint her. I feel guilty for choosing to struggle and experience rather than build a genuine hojar or chase a “professional career.” Because what was her sacrifice for then?
These photos are a reminder of life and choice and self-acceptance. For myself, and my family, specifically the little ones. There is a lot out there. I am able to reel myself back in because of my grandma, even though her intentions were not complete separation for mexican norms, she gave that to me.
5. I took a photo of my little prima this past December on film after playing make-up. She made me cover her in gems and colorful shades and glitter. I look at that photo and hear her laughter and mine. I can visually remember my grandma staring at us while somehow still paying attention to her novela, also laughing and listening to the frijoles boil making sure k no se cheman.
I take pictures because they help me remember. My family, their touch and warmth. Their laugh. They remind me what hope feels like and joy and also to feel sad because I can’t drive to my grandma’s to eat her frijoles. They keep me alive.
My dreams are to climb mountains, see the ocean from every part of the world, to help my neighbor take out the trash or bake cookies for them when they are sick. My dream is to help my little primos apply to college, or their dream job, or make art with them.
My dream is to live out my grandma’s dreams. Not her expectations of what she wanted from me, or her agenda for my life; but to let her know I am happy and free because she left her dreams. Y por eso I will live.
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Bio | Art Statement
My name is Jacki. I am a first-gen Mexican who was born y raised in Georgia. I am a full-time baker, amateur film photographer and painter of silly things and nature. I like to grow things like vegetables and flowers. I am also a silently sad person with a lot of energy to do everything. That’s why I like art. I can do it on my couch, in the dark, and loudly or silently. I can’t decide where to live, what do to with my life, so right now Chicago feels right. I hope my art makes you feel something. Amor y paz.
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Porque te fuiste, I saw the mountains, 35mm film shot on Fuji AX-3 and OLYMPUS XA
1. Badlands National Park, South Dakota, April 2024
2. Zion National Park, Utah, May 2024
3. Crater Lake, White River National Forest, Aspen, Colorado, June 2024
4. Great Sand Dunes National Park, Southern Colorado, July 2024
5. Pacific Ocean, Southern California, August 2024
6. Grand Prismatic, Yellowstone National Park, Montana/Wyoming, October 2025
7. Grand Tetons, National Park, Wyoming, November 2024
8. New Buffalo Beach, Michigan, October 2025
Photos taken with rolls of film from a year of traveling the country and living out of my car. Dedicated to my grandma. If she never immigrated, I would have never had an opportunity to see the mountains, desert, grasslands, and oceans around me. Gracias grandma.
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