@1111ff.__
Movement. About moving around your grief. About moving forward despite many things. About moving wherever you want to go, no matter how convoluted and dangerous the path is. About moving towards the better future. About being free and letting go of your past.
I’m not an US Citizen, I even haven’t step my foot in American soil yet, but during my life, I migrate a lot with my family. I live in Indonesia for my current whole life. Indonesia is a pretty big country with many islands (there’s around 17.000 islands here), and my family used to migrate a lot from another island to another island, from another region to another region. The main reason for my family’s migration is because of my father’s job. In his earlier career, back when I was little, his job required him to migrate between many places to handle many new office branches. I migrate to many regions in Indonesia. I was born in Banjarmasin, I have lived in Bali, I have lived in Solo, I have lived in Palangkaraya, I have lived in Makassar, I have lived in Bogor, and now I live in Cirebon for my undergraduate stuffs.
I think the migrations that happens during my life made me realize I barely have any community. Of course, my biological family are always with me “physically” all the time, but I do always feel disconnected and so far away from them because I’m queer. I’ve used to repressed a lot of my feelings because I was so confused and scared. Scared that they will find out who I really am beneath all this facade. Would they still love me if I’m queer? Would they still love me if I came out as a trans woman? All my life, these 23 years, I’ve learned that it’s better to hide this stuff from my family.
What is your relationship to home and/or tradition and how has that changed?
Yes, i think it changes a lot in my life. I have no semblance of any real place or real connection. Everything feels blurry and disconnected because my family migrates a lot. Not to mention, I have years of untreated gender dysphoria so there’s a lot to unpack with that.
I hope I can be more kinder towards my self. I hope I can be more brave in the future. I hope many trans and queer people can live their life to the fullest.